Pamamaalam

Ating binuksan noon

Sa hindi man sabay na pagkakataon

Ngayon ay ating sasarhan

At di na muling babalikan

Ang luhang paulit-ulit na pumatak

Ay bahagi lamang ng ating katapusan

Lahat ay nasaktan na

Kaya kung sa pamamaalam 

May mga pusong hihilum

Yayakapin ko ang paglimot

At walang bakas ng kahit anong alaala

Ang sa aki'y matitira

Hanggang sa ikaw ay di ko na kilala...

sa Mambukal, Negros Occidental 

sa Subic Bay, Olongapo 

Run and before you know it

       Just as the start of this week, I made another commitment to myself. I said I will be embracing my first ever sports when I was still in grade school: running. And guess what, later will be my fourth day of doing it straight!

       There is something in running that makes it so special. It is not only exceedingly beneficial to our body and to our mind but also in our spirit. Just when I started running again, new circle of friends, as well as newer knowledge and perspectives, newer way of combating stress, newer way of balancing time and newer dreams and visions came in.                  

       

With running buddy Charmaine and coach Narz

Day 2 Training at Bacolod City, New Government Center

       But if there’s another way that I would describe running, then, it would be something about really doing the actual run for you to be able to say that you really experience it. You cannot run by simply watching. You cannot run unless you move and lift your foot next to the other. It is on the process of listening to the beat of your heart and getting your back and your face wet of your own perspiration, that you encountered that feeling of becoming more energized and more focused. You came across the need for discipline. You realized that you should stay motivated. You found the value of dedication and endurance in the process, and before you know it, there you are, enjoying all the wonderful things life has to offer for you because you live longer, healthier and happier. 

with Cris, Joven and Lea

Fun Run at Mall of Asia, Pasay

How We will Say Goodbye

And the hour moved into a day
And then that day to days
Then into weeks and months
And later on, yes, surely, for years
That would be how we will say goodbye
Because for you
There's no other way
But to hit me right to my nose
And then silence me
With your silence...

Choosing Death

We are much smarter than this
Much stronger and wiser than this
But we decided not to.

This is not anymore about the circumstances
Nor the past or the feeling
But of our choices…

You chose to shut me off
I chose to try to give up
But it seemed like you choosing to abandon me
And it seemed like me choosing my own death.

Yeah I know, because there is no love
But why not respect at least be there?
Respect to make you listen
Respect to make you more concerned…

To end this cold turkey…
That’s all you know
That’s all you’re so used to do…

I wonder how you can stand this
While here I am
Still crawling to survive
For me to learn the ways
You are teaching me.

Has this been working for you ever since?
Has this been working for others?
Or will the earth just swallow me now?
Or put me in another life,
In another time…

A fragile friendship
Sugar coated in special codes and names
A fragile friendship
Filled with broken promises
A fragile friendship
With tragic end
That’s what we had chosen to.

Photo taken in Bolinao, Pangasinan

Spending my Time

    This song reminds me of how my friends kept on telling me now this: "life will go on, time will make sure will get over you..." I thank God for giving me so many caring and loving people around me. I feel that God speaks to me through them. Through them, I continue to feel how God really loves me and wants the best for me. Today I am celebrating my life, knowing that despite all the pain and tragic closures, I am still alive, and that I am better, and soon things will be falling on their right places.

   I had written many things about our friendship and all the crazy phases we had gone through, using all the words, styles and metaphors I know--- pouring out all the emotions I could ever tell in 53 and then in 91 pages, in my countless posts, in my blog, in my actual life. But reading today his words scribed in a page stirred me in a way so hard to describe and made me internalize all day long, and perhaps forever… Be it told in a word, or with million words, or simply with the eyes, it’s the same message that is piercing my soul. Sooner or later, my Queen Ree fantasies would end, but I know our gratitude, our joy and the maturity gained from our story told either in our separate or joint points of view will always be true and undying. It will always be a wonderful thing...

    I may never understand why God would allow me to experience such wonderful feeling that will never be receive in the way I had been wishing for. I have no doubt though if God hears my cry and sees my death today. He is so amazing ever since and He is the best lover of all. Perhaps, when it comes to this feeling, He had been answering my prayer for so long but I had just been stubborn to accept what’s obvious. Perhaps, I had gotten addicted to my superficial happiness that I had been so used of denying and delaying. Oh God, if pushing me out of this dream would take away all the pain in me and would give peace to the other, then by all means pour out all the treatment directly to my wounds now. Oh God by all means, please get me out of this fantasy world where only me lives…

Photo taken in Potipot Island, Zambales

I Won't Chase You Now

My used-to-be-soul-mate…
I won’t chase you now,
You are free to run,
You are free to go
I will forget you as you wish
After I died thrice.

Forgive me for liking you that much
For missing you so,
For being pathetic.
For thinking of you
In ordinary days
And during Holidays
And yes,
Everyday to be exact…

You said you never wanted to see me hurt
Oh I guess, your eyes were closed when I cried..
How can you be deaf and blind to my plea
When you had already tamed me?

I never thought our friendship to be this fragile
I never thought you would just turn your back
And be that tired and unforgiving
Despite all my begging...

And now you just don't believe in words
And I don't know how can you believe 'sorry' and 'love'
If you seek for meaning all the time
If there should always be logic behind
If it has always to be smooth and easy, and understandable...

And I can never make you forgive yourself too
I can't even look at you again nor talk with you
Even in memory, I should not think about you
Though I don't know
If that will make me numb or strong...

In each minute I take heavy footsteps
In every tick of the clock with my teardrops
Along with my aching heartbeats
In this even longer days and darker nights 
I vow goodbye to you
I promise,
I won't chase you now
You are free to run
You are free to go...

In time,
I'll find my way
Back to my life
Back to my own soul...
My own forgotten soul...

A Journey with a Photographer, Jeepney Passengers and a Young Rider

     This was another travel that just came into Sahid's mind and I'm referring him here as the photographer. We were actually planning to go to Baler, but the time, the weather, and in my case the budget would not allow us to head there. Well, I guess Baler is still waiting for its right moment.

      Yet this trip has been just worth the change of plan. I tried to stop myself from expecting anything though, but I searched for the place too so that I will know what should I bring in my backpack. We are supposed to be three in the group, but we ended up with the two of us. We are supposed to meet at the bus station by 5:30 but we ended up meeting at 7:30. Those could all be bummers but there’s something I could not explain that time that made me say ‘yes, we will push through.’

       It was 6th of October and traffic was not as terrible as it normally would. Yet we didn’t think that it would be the waiting from Cabanatuan to General Tinio that would consume much of the time. We should have taken the bus going to Gapan, Nueva Ecija but we took the wrong way--- another bummer. But then again, we were not dispirited that easy. Sahid was obviously enjoying while honing his photography skills, and he had no other option but to take me as the willing model.

     Inside the jeepney we were engaging with conversations about different realities. I believe such conversations had made the trip even meaningful. Inside that jeepney, people were just so spontaneous. They were telling us portions of their lives. We have a mother with her two children suddenly disclosing that she was afraid that her husband would catch them. She just left home without permission. She wanted to go home. Her young boy was peacefully sleeping on her lap, unaware of what’s happening while her young girl was looking outside, perhaps anxious of where they were going. The mother’s eyes were giving me that message of how determined she was and we could only pray with her.

       While waiting too, there were several children coming to us and begging for coins. I handed quail eggs to a child and then I remembered how I thought aloud and said that street children are everywhere, from urban to rural. Its not just saying that poverty is anywhere. Its more of saying that neglect is anywhere too, and that's a sad reality.

      The lunch time already passed by and we were so hungry. That always happened to me in my trips, and I should be more prepared next time. After looking for snacks we already felt the pressure that we have to be moving and getting to somewhere aside from that terminal in the marketplace. Hence we desperately announced that we will be paying for the three lacking persons. That made everybody else suddenly alive. The passengers were already laughing with us in the joke that the driver must have been the old woman collecting the transportation! We don't really know each other but we all have one goal: to be on our destinations and that goal had made us felt that we are one.

       I couldn’t anymore remember how long it took us before we reached the town. I was just amazed that right there on that jeepney again, somebody volunteered to bring us to Minalungao. While most shared about some spooky and enchanting stories about the place as though we were urban legend writers and I have to admit that had made me think to just go somewhere else, there’s this young boy who bravely spoke that he used to go there. No more room for fears and our problem on how we can get to the place was already solved. No more bummers! In fact, we were both being led to another interesting story of a 15-year old boy.

       I am calling him here as the rider. I may have had forgotten his real name, but I will never forget him and his story. He was only fifteen years old, but he knows how to save money and he had even bought a motorcycle from his tour guiding. Yet another amazing thing I had seen from him was how excited he was to see his best friend. He may have denied it but I had felt how he had become even happier when he had seen her. I know it’s not about the place. He’s always going there. It was not about the best friend touring us around because she lives there, but it’s on the joy of being able to talk with each other again. That reminded me of the friendships I have too. Looking in that another wonderful paradise we have on Earth, I was also thinking about the excitement and genuineness I have seen from these young people. It is that excitement and genuineness that every one of us also need, whether we recognize it or not. The moment we become subdued, we lost the eyes and the heart of experiencing new things and feelings too. I’m just so glad that despite all the nuisances, we still continued the journey. I guess, that’s how it goes in life too. When circumstances seem not to favor you, or when you have so many fears that stop you, you have to learn how to ride along with such annoyances and ambiguities too. You can still pursue your goals if that’s what you really feel. You may have not yet realized it, but the universe is already conspiring to your desires and the moment you wake up from sleeping in a bus or the plane has landed, you find yourself being changed by new things you have learned and reflected upon, and then new people you have meet in the jeepney or wherever, and then, ride along again until you are already home. 

Along the scenic, green pristine Peñaranda River
Bordered by mystically formed limestone walls
In foothills of Sierra Madre mountain range,
A writer journeyed with a photographer and a rider.

with the photographer Sahid

with the rider and his friend

On a Sunday when we overcame whatever urban legends told
To find beauty, friendships, courage, adventure and nature
And that was how, only yesterday, I had welcomed October
And all the changes it will be bringing right now, right here…

When What Hurts You Make You Smile

(Excerpt from my After 64 Days)

       Love could make life so confusing, but without love, would you really want to live? 

     Such words, perhaps I had read somewhere I forgot, kept on coming back to me as we flew to Hong Kong on the 28th in November of 2012. I was with a Muslim friend and classmate. It was a much needed trip for her, but I didn’t know that until we were already heading towards Clark. What she shared to me about her traumatic experiences during the war in Mindanao and the struggle she had while growing up and how she get through and still striving moved me in ways so strange. It’s always like that, and I kept on wondering how unique each feelings and realizations were in every new soul, new story, and new courageous act of storytelling. 

     The work that my friend is doing has been in the human and social development field, though her bachelor’s degree is in Agriculture. I had understood better where she is coming from; how deep is her motivation and purpose, her heart and her dreams. She is fighting for herself and for others, although she is wounded too, just like me. But she had turned those wounds into wisdom--- so weighty that they had even turned invisible. And as I had found some aspects of myself with her, I found my tears too and admiration to her, and then there we were, both indulged and had already pass through our destination. 

     It was really a budget trip, and we did not book for any place to stay when we arrived in Hong Kong. After trying the train which was one of our goals, we walked and then walked again, and stayed in parks after parks. It was a total adventure: journeying into unknown and relying on arrows and maps, and little research. 

    And since we want for more adventure, we decided to cross towards Macau. When we got another passport stamp, we then realized that the Philippine islands are really more challenging to explore because for some our country could already be several countries. We arrived at the Macau Fisherman’s Wharf and started walking again. And we don’t know where we are getting all of our energies, despite lack of sleep and effects of some emotional pouring outs. We enjoyed and forgot for a while our worries as we traversed the Dynasty Wharf which is composed of many Chinese towers built in the imitation of the Tang-style. Then we felt being brought into a different world as east meets west through structures which are of oriental traditions but of western design.

     As I stood in the 40-metre tall man-made volcano, waterfalls, architectures of Greece,an ancient battleship, an Arabian children’s play area, a Roman Amphitheater and exhibition facilities and seen their game center known as the Legend Wharf, I could still remember him. How could he do that? I am already miles away but his memories still lingers into my mind. I am next to crazy I guess.

     Perhaps the problem really lies on me. I am already losing patience of myself. I’m damn tired, and I even exhaust myself physically but it’s only the body that gives up. My mind and my heart are still full of energy and full of love. But what can I do? I still love him, and I want to love him more and I am conceding to my foolishness because that means my happiness too.

And then I traveled a lot

More than what I used to be

Meet mountain, meet oceans

Meet skies, meet people

But at the end of the day, of the weeks

Of the month

I still love him…

     I can say that one of the reasons I find hard to let go of everything that hurts me was because they are the same things and memories, people and events that can make me smile. And thus, I kept on holding on to them to the point that it was not healthy anymore. 

     I had been so ridiculous for months already, yeah I know. I have to check the wounds this time and hope that they had been healed already without me noticing it. I have to elucidate what really happiness is for me. However, it’s easy to say that happiness is a choice, but I must utter from experience that it would be a different story in real life. It is not something that we can just pick in a total package and then bring it wherever we go. It is not something we can grab on. If it is a decision, it’s even harder to stand for it when you know it’s not just about you. 

     As we go along life, we will find ourselves giving up our own happiness for the sake of others- for their happiness and peace of mind or giving in to our principles for the sake of our own happiness and just to please the world, and then meeting some regrets along the way because of enjoying on temporary feelings but consoling yourself that it would be better than having nothing at all. There’s only two way to go, either to be happy or to become sad for days and nights which appeared longer than how they actually are.

The Hidden Treasures of Majayjay Falls

April 6, 2013: Our First Chilling Dip

It was a bit difficult to smile when the skin felt so cold, but when photo opportunity came in, everything else was just manageable.

At the outskirts of Mt Banahaw:

The hidden treasures of Majayjay Falls 

     We took on that trip without knowing how that trip meant to each of us. For others, they traveled to places with people they had known for so long--- people they had lived with since day one of their lives, people they had shared precious stories before, people they had sense of familiarity and a lot of similarities…

     But God has special ways of connecting people to each other. He has special ways of crossing paths and when His ways work, and we start to realize it, then we will just be left in awe. And one of the amazing ways of crossing paths is the multiplier effect that friendship has. I think and had felt for several times the beauty when the friend of your friends become your friends too. Sahid or Toi, as what I would prefer calling him has been my friend because of my graduate school classmate and Hongkong-Macau trip buddy Dhitz. And as the multiplier effect in friendship goes, Jaytee (I know I should call him Kuya, but his coolness seems to be of same age as mine, and I actually don't feel younger talking with him too) has been introduced to me by Toi. 

     From Buendia, me and Toi took a bus going to San Pablo, Laguna while Jaytee traveled his way to meet us there. It was there in the bus where we had experienced the first drop--- out of the many other doses of bloopers for that day. We were so engaged in the Gandang Gabi Vice Replay episode that we forgot guarding where we should alight, and more minutes of delayed might even lead us to Quezon Province already as our bus is bound to Lucena. And so there we were, rushing down and really got surprised of the distance that we had to travel back. While waiting for Jaytee, we had our loudest laugh because of our negligence but we had absorbed the lesson that much that Toi was already busy asking the local people of the way going to Majayjay Falls. He was carefully noting in memory where we should get off but we had forgotten to ask something--- that was if how much it would cost--- and it was only revealed to us in a very funny way. We were riding our second jeepney ride after reaching Sta. Cruz (this time, the three of us) and we had assumed of the same eight-peso-fare only to know that its P49. And although our initial reaction was laughing out loud again because of the disparity in the payment we had given, we were surprised because that only means that it would be a long ride, or in short, Majayjay is actually far and we had underestimated it. It was past lunch time already--- and we laughed loud again because Toi discovered that the bottle of sandwich spread that he brought along with him from Quezon City was actually way more than a quarter empty. Looked like big bottles can be deceiving...

    But the long journey towards the falls did not in any way spoil our excitement, but made it more intense. And in the midst of summer heat, we know that it will be worth it. And when God's hands move in the course, He will just give us anything that we need: warm and responsive driver and guide turn into one and his young side kick, a perfect weather, and a very beautiful place to discover. 

    With some u-turns in the road surrounded by fields and trees, just 20 pesos entrance fee and few trekking down, we were welcomed by the fresh air from the woods, the natural sound created by the running water and the music of the chirping birds. Jaytee was even welcomed by a dragonfly and I had seen in his eyes that he was really delighted by it. 

     Because it was already late afternoon, it felt somehow weird to walk going towards the falls while majority of the people are making their ways back home. But it was just making it clearer that in visiting places, there's no such thing as being there first, or being their last, or being there once or hundred times. Visiting places is always a first-hand experience, and for every person, though they had stepped on the same ground, rock or waters, the feeling is still unique. With a new pair of eyes, a new beating heart, a new soul coming from another group of people with different individual past, collective present and different perspective of the future, and a new purpose of a traveler, tourist, pilgrim or explorer, there will be a new memory of the place. Each moment will be an authentic piece of life experienced in a piece of paradise on Earth. 

    Finding for place to stay has been a challenge somehow, because of the crowd and the presence of many tents in the area. Majayjay falls is a camping place. I've seen cooking pots, grilling areas and a lot of empty bottles of beer around. After finding where we will place our things, we excitedly headed to the falls, and that has made me forget the road trip and the bloopers. It was truly worth it. The water was very cold, that it made us shivered. I had trauma in falls as I had creatively described in a paragraph in my blog entry Finding New Life. But Toi and Jaytee's presence and the laughters of people around have made me overcame it. And Toi had even made me experienced how it was to be showered upon by the rushing water. The coldness had made me forgot it was summer and from there, I had understood why these two people had developed a liking of discovering falls. Falls is something to find, and that's why I prefer describing it to be hidden and that it has treasures on it. And I think the treasure comes not only on how it is being seen by the naked eyes and felt by the skin. Its treasure also comes from the story of its formation, of erosion, of becoming wider, or shallower or deeper, or hitting up the bottom. Its a story of having many names and even forgotten names. Its a story of being at the foot of the mystical Mt Banahaw. Its a story of people coming there and people wanting to go back. 

     And so I thank Toi and Jaytee for making me laugh out loud non-stop for a day; for their soulful videoke performances during snack time; for sharing our well-deserved classy dinner at Si Cristina Gateau Sans Rival at the heart of San Pablo Plaza, and for making me sing and for guessing the songs that fast thereby making our agonies faster in our standing ovation journey back home. And though, it was knee-aching bus ride, It has just made the trip even special for it gave us something to experience aside from the usual, which I had imagined myself doing because of having full stomach "I slept on my way home." 

    And thank you Majayjay Falls for revealing your hidden treasures to us; for your chilling waters; for the nature, and for another splendid day of experiencing God's creation. 

    And before that trip ended, I had known what that trip has meant to us. For sure, it is not just for Toi to add another blue color on his map and for Jaytee to assess another place for family getaway, and for me to record another blog entry here. I strongly felt that it was also a trip of personal reflections and of getting a charge from people who used to be strangers. I don't know to others, but for me, when I travel with those who doesn't know much about me yet, I get to discover much of the things too that I had not known about me, or possibilities of who I can be. You can be the craziest you---and be you, having no identity to be stood upon or identity to be negotiated. You can feel free and not be obliged to explain the sadness in your eyes. You can deal with the darkness you are in, you get the words from the songs, you get refuge from the water, and you don't worry of taking the fall, for you are in good and God-given company to catch you and bring you back to your senses. They are just as crazy yet as sincere as I am (so I thank God too for the multiplier effect of friendship), that the next thing I know is that I am experiencing joy again; for its just a truly-found-again-treasure, when you realized that you are laughing hard again, and its an authentic one.

I love this picture because other Majayjay Falls explorers posed excitedly with us too.

A glimpse of the mystical Mt. Banahaw

Jaytee and Toi were fresh from singing and getting perfect and almost perfect scores! 

Time to be Home: Few Hours Away from Midnight

Standing with joy and music all throughout. 

Adventures in Ilocos Norte

French author and Nobel Prize winner André Gide once famously said, “One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time”. And so this adventure is one of our courageous acts of turning away from the familiar and towards the unfamiliar, and God is so amazing beyond words can tell, that even on a Holy Thursday, we had gotten a well-contrived venture that though we are still heading towards the wide open sea, the learning and the awe are already within our reach.

At the back is the hill known as Bantay Abot Cave

Different colors in pathway of blue, black and white sands
A coastal province packed with historical places
Fine beaches, I-forgot-my-name-cuisines
A paradise, a gem, a haven of stunning rocks
Nature and man's creative hands combined
Oh yes, its God's mighty hands placed on lands.

This St Augustine's church in Paoay

Is an Earthquake Baroque style

With much story to tell about the past

And as the belfry stands a few meter

On a beautiful sunny day

You end up feeling both young and old

Feeling both solemn and playful

And then feeling both on earth and in heaven

And so you'll see and realize

That paradox could really be part 

Of the journey towards finding the true you.

The Paoay Church in Ilocos Norte

The Grass

There is something to learn from the grass…

Something about friendship;

To hold on firmly to where it’s been rooted

To withstand the winds and to grow where it is but not be limited there

And then drawn strength from each other.

There is something to learn from the grass…

Something about love;

That though could be unwanted at times

Could still persist.

Oh the grass that though being stepped on has learned to be tamed

Fighting for that little space and oh has then won

And so there was the grass, expanding and covering the Earth

Giving warmth, rest and comfort

Blending with the views, the flowers, the trees, the bridges and all the koi’s

And then blanketed the grounds, just like love.

The Ten Souls: The Sagada Reflection

The Ten Souls: The Babes

It is true that those we meet can change us, sometimes so profoundly that we are not the same afterwards, even unto our names.” (Yann Martel, Life of Pi) 

    Yann Martel is right, not just because it’s a music to my ears to be called as ‘babe’ by my nine other babes and that became as one of my endearing names, but more so, because I know I had went through another life-defining transformation. And if there is something that I had decided to value the same as my entirety, then that would be memories I have with them: memories I would cherish forever and memories I would continue to add.

    Undeniably, all of my travel has been revealing something different or new in me, in others and in this world. But some of my travel could really just change me enormously and personally. Some travel like that of Sagada, Mountain Province which we did last December 21-26, 2012 have really given me something which I could not accurately describe at the moment. How I wish I would come to that moment in which I could finally be authentically free to express how different it has been since then, but just let me put it this way for now: that all I know is that it had then brought sense of novelty into my life. And the call for change gets stronger each day as the travel continues and even after I’m already back home. It was so strong that no matter how hard I try to resist it, I just find myself giving in.

     I had seen change to be just a latent function of that travel. It is something not intended, something that happened spontaneously and it has been that intense that it had made me ask myself now the tricky questions of ‘what if’s’ and ‘what if I did not.’ But certainly, there has been no moment of that trip to be regretful about. Every moment has just been so precious, so priceless and wonderfully placed that despite lack of financial resources and all the other hassles, it has been very successful and one of the bests I ever had.

     In my case and in the case of some who haven’t joined any meeting about that trip too, planning just happened through face book group chat. And I tell you, if there was a venue in which changes has initially been so usual to take place, then in its there. It is in there where dates have been subjected to much change. It is in there where people who will be joining have been subjected to episodes of ambiguities until ten souls become finally all set to go. And I think those moments, no matter how informal they have seem to be, and no matter how it could be such overwhelming to be flooded with unread conversations and other notifications, are actually moments not of coincidences but moments of a beautiful beginnings. One can name that destiny, but I call it life. It was a beginning of something beautiful within, among, around, and beyond me and that of the nine other souls.

       And days went on along with our busy schedules that the next thing we knew it, we are already about to go. One of my earliest reflections then came on the specifics of ‘getting there.’ We have so many instances for sure, too, in our lives in which we have been so focused on the ‘being there’ with expectations of seeing these or feeling that once you’ll get there, but has actually given less attention on how will you actually reach that destination. We were so excited talking about what we will do and where we will go, but missed agreeing on the efficient way of departing from crowded Manila. Lesson learned the hardest way, I guessed. But to make some anxiety-causing turns in Pedro Gil and to be struck with traffic on the way to the terminal is something not be dreaded at as it did not spoil any piece of exhilaration but just added unto it, and though it had fragmented the souls, the goal of meeting each other on a common ground made the ‘getting there’ just ceremoniously as it could ever be.

       Because the conversation has been so limited to gadgets and minds speaking through the tap or click of the fingers, it is understandable to have that impulse to be loud in the bus; to talk among each other in volume other people aside from us can hear--- and in our case, doesn't want to hear. To be silent therefore, is a big effort but for the sake of respect and all the other elements of being considerate beings, we have to start closing our eyes, and patiently, wait for the right time to speak out again.

      Something I had loved in long night trips is that sense of getting somewhere in times of darkness (I think in life, I had some tendency to be an escapist sometimes when I could no longer figure out the way out). You could skip the hassles caused by rush-hours, and it’s as if no time is being wasted for you can just get yourself some sleep whether you like it or not. You just got to do something else--- eat, listen to love songs mostly from 80’s or try to practice some deepness you have within by simply thinking. But just like in life, you got to sacrifice something when you choose the other. Just like the views we had passed by unto and then missed. And don’t bother asking me what I had failed to see. Though I did not sleep all the time, there I was spending the rest traveling hours eating, listening to music and all the more---trying to be deeper than I should be, thinking of recurrent thoughts, even though I am tired of thinking. Oh, Sagada, will you change me please?

      Yet God has always been so good that even in the darkest moments of your life, He will always give you candles to light your way. Having good company is truly a blessing and they are more than enough to lift up your broken spirit. And if one will develop too, that gift of appreciation, no matter how shattered you feel within, you will be obviously comforted with what’s around. And the next time you open your eyes, after some stop-overs, and series of body-twisting bus turns around what-seemed-to-be-endless cliffs, you’ll be welcomed by a piece of heaven on Earth where mountains were natural sights and the coldness would make you just want to wear four shirts at once. 

       What took you so long in finishing Sagada reflection Richelle? I asked myself, and since I could not fool her, I admitted that its when every time I finally sit down to do it (in between of massive paper works of a social worker), and then would try to get more inspiration from the pictures we have in that trip, I found myself enjoying that much in looking at them. And there were more than half a thousand photographs! And each picture speaks more than what it could ever show. Each picture revives some emotions--- emotions which you just love to feel again and again... So, instead of writing, I found myself just looking at each picture and if my eyes and my heart could just do the writing for me, then they could have recorded a lot--- beyond what my time and my words could allow me. 

      For it is not all the time that we can walk as carefree as that, it is not all the time that we can have deepest sharing we can ever have; it is not all the time that jokes and serious topics synergize; it is not all the time that you get to witness tribal dancing with the rhythm that goes along with heartbeats ; it is not all the time that you hear echoes bouncing back to you; it is not all the time that you get to watch Twilight movies series after series with friends; it is not all the time that you feel having smaller bills is better than higher denomination; it is not all the time that you wake up with a cup of coffee ready to warm you; it is not all the time that you have motherly, sisterly and brotherly home-cooked meals; it is not all the time that you feel so accomplished just because the charcoal finally heated-up each other; it is not all the time that you celebrate Christmas greeting strangers in the streets, looking for coffee and beer; it is not all the time that you talk about love (and pain--- and yes, happiness too); And to writers come too, a moment in which they can't find fitting words to describe the warmth of the local people, the unexplained connections with spirits and elements of the earth and beyond (remember our first night ladies in which we slept with thoughts of false-alarm ghosts?) It was the connection which we had understood deeper in Lumiang Cave and in Hanging Coffins. Yeah, it is not all the time you have moments like those and you knew that the moment you all return to your own homes and then take separate lives again, you just don’t know when will you have them again. Or will you ever have them again if change will always be there to come into scenes? Then, there I was getting that feeling I don’t want to feel again, but at the same time grateful because it would push me out of my present again, and then caught distressed again knowing I just put myself in other i-just-don’t-want-to-think-about-that-situation. There was I then just becoming hopeful that if change would always come across, then let change handle it. Then just trust memories again to just make you happy when you start reminiscing and then ask time again to just heal you when you start feeling pain again. Oh yes, you had changed me Sagada, in ways I did not even imagine you would…

        Then we learn about attitude, balance, courage and discipline. We knew we just have to try at least to imprint them in the body, mind, heart and spirit before, during and after an adventurous Sumaguing caving experience. Our souls had then discovered all the creativity we possessed as we marveled with the amazing rock formations. It was truly, an ultimate adventure--- something that has given us an intimate relationship with the nature as we grip and even hug rock after rock...And with the emotional and bodily support from amazing friends, we just find ourselves surviving those narrow boulders, rock formations, rappelling down (and even side to side), passing and hopping through the cold waters, crawling and stretching your arms and legs at its most... And when you’ve thought that the limits have been reached, you'll get more the encouragement from fellow cavers and you'll feel the strongest drive within you to make it with them and I know others feel the same way too (or even more)...

         It was a different feeling to be at the depths of the Earth, yet feeling so high within. You are all over wet outside, your throat so dry, yet your souls feeling so alive. And it made me see now that there's no such term as second time or nth time when you do spelunking. It’s always a new experience and as kuya tour guide said--- we've got to let our imagination work too. That was an exhausting day for sure, but it was all worth it. Something extra-ordinary has been proven in the selves. And the opening prayer of the team just before we got started has been granted by ever-loving God or by Allah or whatever His or Her name is.

        Then, the team experienced some crash course yet on-the-spot trekking in the hilly terrains of Marlboro Land. When the tour guides had mind-set for a camp, there we are like how most tourists are, just clueless of what’s up next and enjoying that feeling--- and the next thing was that it felt so vibrant to be welcomed by stunning trails and some terraces from afar and hunger can just then become bearable because of the satisfying sight while sitting at the cliff and when its eating time, the taste got even better because its being enjoyed with friends. Conversations are more exciting ---and whether they are done while sitting in sands or in front of the falls, or inside a jeepney, they are all enriching. We are the atoms. We are in the process of becoming phenomenologists each day...

        Yann Martel is right (as well as the other writers, philosophers and theorists who said the same thing). We are not exactly the same after going through with experiences where we truly engaged ourselves. Life is truly experienced when we deal with change not in the same manner all the time but instead we must dance along, use a mixture of several approaches like becoming critical at times, or somehow resistant, or perhaps all-embracing based on the context. For as long as you are not afraid to really live, then its life that you will get. There have been beautiful friendships that were formed. I have witnessed how we had evolved from simply being classmates, or acquaintance, or just-having-a-common-friend towards becoming buddies, siblings and friends---friends to the truest sense of the word. We are so diverse in many terms and we don’t agree on everything---and there has been some clashes that occurred---but the friendship has just been so beautiful that you will not be bothered that much by little tensions knowing that its just part of the dynamics of any group and then you can never place any doubt to these souls who like you, value life, peace and love more than anything else. 

         So now, where are we leading our souls to unite them again? Where are we entrusting our next life-changing experience babes?

Richelle Verdeprado. February 6, 2013. Written in Puerto Galera, Oriental Mindoro.

________

Fr Seán Coyle.February 7, 2013 at 8:29 PM

       One of the joys of growing old is reading about the adventures of young persons like you who are discovering so much, who can enjoy a 14-hour overnight bus trip and get some sleep. (I've never been able to sleep on a bus or on a plane). And reading about developing friendships, that eating isn't just about replenishing our bodies, though that is a vital part of it, but is about relationships. We can't understand the Mass as either a meal or sacrifice if we don't know what meals and friendship are. God bless you, Richelle!

Finding New Life

Photo Lay-out by Bro. Jr
Davao;Tagum;New Corella; Compostela Valley;Agusan del Sur;and Surigao del Sur Trip
April 26- May 1, 2012

   There is thrill in life because there is movement on it. But such thrill is not automatically brought about by the movement that comes along the advancement of dates, the natural changes within our body and the environment and the turning of once-new-things into old. The so-called thrill would only come if we will allow our movements to take us somewhere we have never been, out of our comfort zone, and then render some piece of sacrifice for the name of fun, for the sake of finding that thrill. I know from that moment I decided to take a leave and book ticket going to Davao with my friends ate Manay and Via, ‘thrill’ is what I’m going to find. But I was wrong--- not because I did not found one but because I found more than the thrill I was looking for.

     The first thing I learned, which I think my friends did too, was patience. Imagine, having to wait for four hours because the flight was delayed. For travelers, four hours meant four hours adjustments in the schedule. It meant four hours deduction from the actual time we should be in our much-wanted-to-see-destination. It meant Bro Gilbert has to wait longer than what we intended. But we are taught to learn how to wait on the other hand. It meant more time to prepare ourselves for a different routine that moment…time to realize that sometimes we just needed something to read…time to realize that there are still many things beyond our control.

Here’s another thing to learn: fellowship. While growing up, I get to discover many things about myself by being alone. I get to find inner peace and gain profounder insights which I still do until today. But the moment we had developed a stronger connection with the Amigonian Brothers and Fathers community in Cavite, I was really amazed with the kind of bond they have, how they would get so excited with the presence of each one and even though they had spent most of their time with each other in the seminary, they are still sharing their vacation with each other. Truly, it was nothing more but a family. But it doesn’t end among them! It extends even to their families. There’s a ‘feel of being at home’ wherever we go, from the house of Bro Dareen, to that of Bro Joselito, Bro Gilbert and Bro Stephen!

     Now, it’s time to have that thrill. Being fondly called by the brothers as ‘Dora’ (the Explorer), I just couldn’t find words to describe how eager I am to say ‘yes’ to their invitation for us to go to their ‘places.’ That April 28 (since we arrived in Davao at 12:08 midnight) until early morning of May 2 adventures were truly something we could never forget. We just love the food anywhere we go and we truly enjoyed the live music during the Thanksgiving party of bro Dareen, kuya July and Gift Anne. We are overwhelmed with the warm accommodation. There were so many “first time’s” like first time to taste Lamaw (coconut strips and juice with milk and to our surprise- a bottle of Royal softdrink and slices of biscuits!), first time to use several types of vehicles in just 5 days (salamat Clarion family), first time to meet Lolong in Agusan del Sur and many more! And yes, we definitely want second time and more!

      The sight of Enchanted River in Hinatuan, Surigao del Sur was just so inviting I couldn’t help but regret of not knowing how to swim! But what makes it more enchanting as its name suggests is the view of the school of fish enjoying their blue-colored 85 feet deep home (85 feet nga ba yun?). The golden sand in Margarett Island Peak Resort was so irresistible that we don’t mind lying down and get some sleep. How can we ever forget the few minutes climb to witness another breath-taking view of the sea (or was it already part of the Pacific Ocean?)? How can we forget the wonderful ride itself going to and going back to our destination?

      But there’s still more to learn in that trip. God’s plans for us lead us to a place I will always remember until my last breath: in Panas Inland Resort. I don’t like to talk about the specifics anymore as I am now remembering the experience in a different way. All I know is that it was in that almost half an hour experience with my friends that I realized that I just don’t have any idea of what stage of my life I am living now. Have I lived the 50% of it or just the beginning? Or have I already lived the length of time I’m allowed to consume? Truly, it was not just a battle against the current of water. It was a battle to win a new life- and we won because we did not do it alone.

    There’s love, care, heroism, sacrifice, courage, brotherhood and sisterhood, concern, optimism, hope---all rolled into one, that no amount of transition from once calm flow of water into a threatening flood can ever broke us. Yes, we were afraid (it was a kind of fear that I forgot when was the last time I felt such), we were terrified, we were troubled, we were worried, but we were not broken. And so we thank our heroes so much (you all know who you are), you were our life-savers no matter where they were that time, whether they make it to the edge (bro Joselito, bro Jay-ar, bro Frank, bro Jun Tabby and the rest I couldn’t mention anymore), whether they did their best looking for ropes, wood, or even a banner in a bamboo stick (like that of bro Mars, hahaha), or whether they are comforting from afar, people we know before, people we just knew from that vacation, people we do not even know who helped in actions and in prayers! And it was not just about the rescue, because even after it, we were being comforted. How can we ever thank you! We are all victorious in gaining new life as what Tito Joy reflected right after the incident (what an optimistic man)! God is really so good!

        As I was freely pouring out everything in this work which would serve as an account of a life-changing experience, then I just felt that I should courageously admit that there was this person who motivated me to write this (motivation doesn’t mean, he told me to write this because he absolutely did not, but motivation in the sense that many of his acts, though could be just natural for him, yet for me and my friends, were acts we would always be amazed of, acts which have set the ‘standards’ of what does it mean to be the host, acts that our hearts would always remember. So in the truest practice of being courageous, I admit that I was writing this too with him in mind. As ate Manay, Via and me would use to share among each other, we would always wish to find so many other “brother Dareen’s” in the world, so many other who would like him, go beyond the bounds of hospitality by giving and giving more, who did not even hesitated to offer to us their cozy homes in Monkayo (yup, homes!), who waited until pass three AM thereby letting go of the should-have-been-much-needed-sleep just to welcome us, who despite having so many other guests he too, was not able to see for quite a long time, would still religiously come to us to check if we are still doing great or if we need something, who  eagerly taught us how to use their sophisticated mop, and who made us feel that our presence was valued. On a personal note, I thank him for every meaningful discussions we had (from simple topics like what does this symbol of less than three means to mind-challenging ones like the life of Hitler, and to soul-breaking realities of violence, poverty and injustice). I tell you, I am still in the process of realizing that such simple conversations do make sense! I thank him for being appreciative and affirming, caring and sincere. Yet above them all, you bro Dareen, made us realize that this old adage is true: “Friendship is not how long you’ve been together.” Though we had known each other for not that long, thanks for treating us like we’re old friends and we pray, that just like most friendships that were created and tested in this world, ours and that of the brothers will remain steadfast and grow stronger and stronger too in the years to come.

     Then, we headed to another place: in Matin-ao in New Corella where we spent the remaining hours of our stay until we travelled back to Manila again. And I would like to end this blog hanging like this, because I know, there will be a part two of this very soon, right? Truly, we found more than thrill—we found lessons, we found values, we found deeper meaning of love and fun, we found new life...

A boat ride away from Enchanted River is the Margarett Island Peak Resort, one of the must-see attraction in Surigao del Sur.