When What Hurts You Make You Smile

(Excerpt from my After 64 Days)

       Love could make life so confusing, but without love, would you really want to live? 

     Such words, perhaps I had read somewhere I forgot, kept on coming back to me as we flew to Hong Kong on the 28th in November of 2012. I was with a Muslim friend and classmate. It was a much needed trip for her, but I didn’t know that until we were already heading towards Clark. What she shared to me about her traumatic experiences during the war in Mindanao and the struggle she had while growing up and how she get through and still striving moved me in ways so strange. It’s always like that, and I kept on wondering how unique each feelings and realizations were in every new soul, new story, and new courageous act of storytelling. 

     The work that my friend is doing has been in the human and social development field, though her bachelor’s degree is in Agriculture. I had understood better where she is coming from; how deep is her motivation and purpose, her heart and her dreams. She is fighting for herself and for others, although she is wounded too, just like me. But she had turned those wounds into wisdom--- so weighty that they had even turned invisible. And as I had found some aspects of myself with her, I found my tears too and admiration to her, and then there we were, both indulged and had already pass through our destination. 

     It was really a budget trip, and we did not book for any place to stay when we arrived in Hong Kong. After trying the train which was one of our goals, we walked and then walked again, and stayed in parks after parks. It was a total adventure: journeying into unknown and relying on arrows and maps, and little research. 

    And since we want for more adventure, we decided to cross towards Macau. When we got another passport stamp, we then realized that the Philippine islands are really more challenging to explore because for some our country could already be several countries. We arrived at the Macau Fisherman’s Wharf and started walking again. And we don’t know where we are getting all of our energies, despite lack of sleep and effects of some emotional pouring outs. We enjoyed and forgot for a while our worries as we traversed the Dynasty Wharf which is composed of many Chinese towers built in the imitation of the Tang-style. Then we felt being brought into a different world as east meets west through structures which are of oriental traditions but of western design.

     As I stood in the 40-metre tall man-made volcano, waterfalls, architectures of Greece,an ancient battleship, an Arabian children’s play area, a Roman Amphitheater and exhibition facilities and seen their game center known as the Legend Wharf, I could still remember him. How could he do that? I am already miles away but his memories still lingers into my mind. I am next to crazy I guess.

     Perhaps the problem really lies on me. I am already losing patience of myself. I’m damn tired, and I even exhaust myself physically but it’s only the body that gives up. My mind and my heart are still full of energy and full of love. But what can I do? I still love him, and I want to love him more and I am conceding to my foolishness because that means my happiness too.

And then I traveled a lot

More than what I used to be

Meet mountain, meet oceans

Meet skies, meet people

But at the end of the day, of the weeks

Of the month

I still love him…

     I can say that one of the reasons I find hard to let go of everything that hurts me was because they are the same things and memories, people and events that can make me smile. And thus, I kept on holding on to them to the point that it was not healthy anymore. 

     I had been so ridiculous for months already, yeah I know. I have to check the wounds this time and hope that they had been healed already without me noticing it. I have to elucidate what really happiness is for me. However, it’s easy to say that happiness is a choice, but I must utter from experience that it would be a different story in real life. It is not something that we can just pick in a total package and then bring it wherever we go. It is not something we can grab on. If it is a decision, it’s even harder to stand for it when you know it’s not just about you. 

     As we go along life, we will find ourselves giving up our own happiness for the sake of others- for their happiness and peace of mind or giving in to our principles for the sake of our own happiness and just to please the world, and then meeting some regrets along the way because of enjoying on temporary feelings but consoling yourself that it would be better than having nothing at all. There’s only two way to go, either to be happy or to become sad for days and nights which appeared longer than how they actually are.