My Soul's Restlessness

   It is literally a long and adventurous journey for me to get here, but its all worth the effort and the risk. Each moment spent with people we have met for three days and some for just couple of hours was equally as important and special as to the moments we have had with people who had been part of our lives for three months, for three years or even for years equivalent to our age. I constantly pray that God will continue to use me and my life to be of help in any way I could and in anywhere possible at any time, despite of my limitations and brokenness. Oh Lord, let my soul's restlessness produce goodness and let love overflow from it so that more beauty can be revealed by and through it...

the habal-habal ride

with the active youth in the community

with Joey

Pipo and Jam preparing the gifts and the goods for distribution

   On my way there, I rode in a habal-habal, with the driver sharing to me his story of how he longed for his wife who never returned after working abroad, and his son whom he was not able to see for the past eight years. He talked about how heavy his heart has been, and how days became a struggle for him. He then told me to pray for him...The ride was bumpy, just like his life.

   On my way there, I saw a child climbing halfway a coconut tree, trying to catch some signal for his cellular phone. I found out from my friend, who had been assigned as a priest in the area, how communication has been so difficult. Sometimes, people pay for the motorcycle to bring their phones in the town to receive messages. On our second night, we experienced climbing towards that spot of the highland where there is signal. There was no electricity that time, but the stars and the fireflies had given us a wonderful view. I was surprised to see several people going there just to text. 2014 is coming very soon, but we still have places in the country where communication system is not accessible.

   But I must say too, that despite all of these curbs, the people there have a good glimpse and experience of life, with all their simplicity, sense of neighborhood and deep spirituality. I thank God for allowing me to immerse into their stories and join them in their celebration even just for a while. I thank God for the kind and generous family who had planned for such activity and really made it happened.

Fr Michael giving the prize for the game

with Joey, Mapeth and Fr. Arvin

During the gift giving

   During those days, I had tried stopping myself from reflecting, but each word, each bumpy road, each embrace of the wind on my face, each line from any song, each story I heard, and each smile I saw from the faces of people who were once strangers to me were naturally taking me to a journey of talking to God to ask for wisdom behind circumstances. And that was how I decided not be afraid of reflecting again, because that is the way I had appreciated the clouds, the tears, the joy, the shadows and mysteries. That is the way I had learned about accepting and giving back gifts with courage and love.

Some more prizes

with Fr. Michael's family

What Yolanda has Done

Roofless but still standing strong

      That 8th of November this year was supposed to be like any other day that came into the lives of Filipinos. For the children I was able to talk with last Friday, it was supposed to be another day of playing in the fields and along the shores and for some, another day of learning at school. But something happened that day that made these children hid under their beds and when their houses got destroyed, made them run as fast as they could to seek solace in the hills, in the houses of the well-off in their community and then in the evacuation centers. There was something not ordinary that day that has made the children tremble with fear, cry hard and then pray on their bended knees. That day typhoon Yolanda came in so fast and then left the country with unimaginable destruction and deaths. That day came and has left these children with awful memories.

The brave children affirming their shared experiences of crying, running and praying...

    I had just no question when 9 year-old Jose told me that he wished that November 8 did not just happened at all and that typhoon Yolanda never hit their place. He described it as something he never thought could happen for real. He recalled how the winds made him felt so helpless and so worried about his parents and siblings who were outside their house. He tried drawing that scenario in his notebook and he shared to the group how the rushing rain and the wind had literally hurt his face. He knew it was so strong because their roof flew away. Now, November 8 will be a day he could not just forget, just like how it is for all the survivors and their loved ones. 

Red, who used to be a guidance counselor, facilitating activity for the youth

 

Misyon's Assistant Editor, Anne telling a story to the toddlers

The children recounting their stories of resiliency and faith

    

       Since that day when Yolanda hit Philippines, we at Misyon office had been reasonably disturbed too. We are in deep sadness. I know I share the same feeling with many people coming from various walks of life across the world. Survivors are still badly in need of assistance for their basic necessities like food, potable water, clothes and medicine, and materials for building their houses. They also needed psychological support so that they can cope with trauma and negative impact of the disaster. Even their spiritual aspect is in need of some consolation because for all the loss that they had incurred, many of them are still in the midst of darkness.

Repacking of goods at Camp Delgado

      It is easier to see the physical effects of Yolanda compared to the emotional scars. We can get possible get estimates of how many will be starting from scratch again in terms of building their houses. While traveling towards Sara and then to Estancia, Iloilo together with the team from the Philippine National Police in Camp Delgado who organized the relief operation, I’ve seen several houses with no roofs yet. I have seen several junk shops filled with scrapped housing materials. I had seen uprooted trees and tilted electric posts. Estancia’s situation was even worsened by the oil spill which we were able to witness with our own eyes. We also passed through temporary housing camp sites for the people and it would take time before things will be back to normal again. A month has passed but I can still sense the sadness in the communities we visited. Part of me is telling that help could never be enough. Typhoon Yolanda has left but the long-term effects will continue to haunt them. With the inconceivable aftermath of the typhoon and the tears and losses you hear and see from television and newspapers, you are moved to do something. You are move to do whatever is it that you can do to help, or at least lessen their hunger, their pains and suffering.

Red teaching me how to make a bracelet on our way to Sara, Iloilo

Traveling towards the northern part of Iloilo

After our lunch at Estancia Municipal Police Station

     That was the story of how me and Misyon’s assistant editor Anne, found our way in that relief operation too. We wanted to do whatever we can to be of help. We were so disturbed that we cannot just sit and watch our neighboring island and I had no doubt that it is God who has been touching us, and our editor Fr Sean Coyle who immediately said yes to us. We are thankful that God had given us that opportunity to use our academic background, our experiences and our passion to be with the survivors even for two days. With that very limited time of helping in the repacking of goods, of hearing the stories of the children, and looking at their artwork, and then seeing the communities and the people, we feel one with them. We hope that with our simple efforts, we were able to bring message of hope and love to them.

      It was not the first time that I participated in a relief operation but it was made so unique to the people and even for me as we were singing Christmas carols. Fr. Ronilo Datu, Regional Chaplain of PNP Region VI, spearheaded the singing and then later on, he enjoined the people. When they sang with us with smiles on their faces, I felt we were producing the best melody ever. It was so special maybe because I know that I heard it from people who will be having a different Christmas this year. They were only beginning to build their houses. They are recovering from their lost means of livelihood such as carabaos and boats. But here they were, clapping their hands and enjoying the music. God is really so amazing. He can make good things happen from bad things, as shared by Fr Ronilo. How could a tragic event such as Yolanda cross all the barriers and borders and revive our brotherhood and sisterhood? How can it lead us back into unity and into love? God can do that.

       Our team did not just go there to bring material goods or simply to talk with them. We came with the hope that God would use us as instruments for them to feel the spirit of Christmas and to affirm their resiliency. On our way home, despite the same view of roofless houses and junk shops filled with dilapidated housing materials, I found myself sensing just a little bit sadness. Optimism overpowered me. I just knew that right that moment, God is continuously reasonably disturbing many young and old hearts all over the world. I just knew that once God touches them, they will just find themselves helping too. Like us, they will go home with not just them reminding the people of God’s love. They will also be reminded of God’s undying and empowering love for them, and that will lead them back to the beauty of cheerfully offering themselves for others.

Singing "Silent Night" and then "Joy to the World" with the people;
The roof of the church is still not furnished but God's presence is undeniably so strong...

Back to my Soul

Credits to Bessie Cordova for the image

    To know people, to enter into their lives and to be engaged on it is a risk. It will take you to countless emotional roller coaster rides and I tell you, it will never be easy. But I had known of people too who are living safely, suspiciously and cautiously. Their hearts are not as wounded as mine. They seldom cry like I do. They have no people whom they push themselves to forget but they have no memories and realizations built with them too. They don’t have moments like what I have now of lifting every drop of pain to God and crawling for another beginning. And they just have no idea of how still strong and loving they can ever be…

Spending my Time

    This song reminds me of how my friends kept on telling me now this: "life will go on, time will make sure will get over you..." I thank God for giving me so many caring and loving people around me. I feel that God speaks to me through them. Through them, I continue to feel how God really loves me and wants the best for me. Today I am celebrating my life, knowing that despite all the pain and tragic closures, I am still alive, and that I am better, and soon things will be falling on their right places.

   I had written many things about our friendship and all the crazy phases we had gone through, using all the words, styles and metaphors I know--- pouring out all the emotions I could ever tell in 53 and then in 91 pages, in my countless posts, in my blog, in my actual life. But reading today his words scribed in a page stirred me in a way so hard to describe and made me internalize all day long, and perhaps forever… Be it told in a word, or with million words, or simply with the eyes, it’s the same message that is piercing my soul. Sooner or later, my Queen Ree fantasies would end, but I know our gratitude, our joy and the maturity gained from our story told either in our separate or joint points of view will always be true and undying. It will always be a wonderful thing...

    I may never understand why God would allow me to experience such wonderful feeling that will never be receive in the way I had been wishing for. I have no doubt though if God hears my cry and sees my death today. He is so amazing ever since and He is the best lover of all. Perhaps, when it comes to this feeling, He had been answering my prayer for so long but I had just been stubborn to accept what’s obvious. Perhaps, I had gotten addicted to my superficial happiness that I had been so used of denying and delaying. Oh God, if pushing me out of this dream would take away all the pain in me and would give peace to the other, then by all means pour out all the treatment directly to my wounds now. Oh God by all means, please get me out of this fantasy world where only me lives…

Photo taken in Potipot Island, Zambales

I Won't Chase You Now

My used-to-be-soul-mate…
I won’t chase you now,
You are free to run,
You are free to go
I will forget you as you wish
After I died thrice.

Forgive me for liking you that much
For missing you so,
For being pathetic.
For thinking of you
In ordinary days
And during Holidays
And yes,
Everyday to be exact…

You said you never wanted to see me hurt
Oh I guess, your eyes were closed when I cried..
How can you be deaf and blind to my plea
When you had already tamed me?

I never thought our friendship to be this fragile
I never thought you would just turn your back
And be that tired and unforgiving
Despite all my begging...

And now you just don't believe in words
And I don't know how can you believe 'sorry' and 'love'
If you seek for meaning all the time
If there should always be logic behind
If it has always to be smooth and easy, and understandable...

And I can never make you forgive yourself too
I can't even look at you again nor talk with you
Even in memory, I should not think about you
Though I don't know
If that will make me numb or strong...

In each minute I take heavy footsteps
In every tick of the clock with my teardrops
Along with my aching heartbeats
In this even longer days and darker nights 
I vow goodbye to you
I promise,
I won't chase you now
You are free to run
You are free to go...

In time,
I'll find my way
Back to my life
Back to my own soul...
My own forgotten soul...

Over Hills

Now I’m back to my usual life 1382 kilometers away from you,
Suddenly came in me my travel up north last December…
That moment when my throat’s resonator was finally freed
And with resting souls in hanging coffins as my witnesses
I screamed your name over hills…
Hoping you to hear it
Wishing you to listen
But response was none
And Echo Valley brought back my voice to me.
I wondered more of how love could be as desperate
Of how I could be just satisfied
Asking the other to just let me love
And oh, how illogical it is to not expect to be loved
But still continue feeling enormous, unstoppable pain…
A kind of pain that made me run as fast as I could
So that there’ll be a hoax reason for intense heartbeats.
And yeah, I screamed your name beneath the Earth
Spelunking Sagada’s Sumaguing Cave with thoughts of you
With each slippery path the crawling continues
Just like love. Alright, just like love…
That no matter how precarious
Still the spirit is willing to stride
Up and down, the risks endured
Arriving at that awe-feeling--- I survived, or did I survive?
And I recalled the victory in a special way
Glancing at the pictures taken, reminiscing happy and testing moments
Just like love.
Trekking I went and you also followed…
And wondered why my heart is still not exhausted of your memories
How can you do that? To be here though you are not here…
Searching for reasons but couldn’t find
And so I just screamed your name over hills again and again,
And then looked up to heaven and be hopeful
That the next time for love to come
I won’t fall apart
I'll just fly.

The Sumaguing Cave

Rising Again and Resuming the Journey

  I was struck with that line from the article which says: "For this is our life: to rise again continuously and to resume our journey." Life must go on, no matter how hopeless it seems, no matter how painful the present situation is. But in order to really stand up again in the truest sense of the word, we have to free ourselves, or at least start freeing ourselves from the bondages that stop us from experiencing life. 

   Admitting our sins could be embarassing. It could put us into situations wherein we could feel so uncomfortable. We might experience all the trembling and uneasiness, and sometimes we get very unfavorable and hurting responses. But so what? As mentioned above, 'it is better to be red once than yellow a thousand times." If that would give you and the other peace and new beginning, then its worth the risk. By all means, go and admit your mistakes, and don't just end there. 

    Forgiving is such a challenge. Our usual tendencies are to make the phase so instant and abrupt by cutting the ties, burning the bridges and pretending that we are really set to move on. Of course, that would be better compared to staying in the same darkness but if we desire for liberation and joy, we have to be courageous and patient enough to go through the process. We have to try to trust to the intention of each other, find that humility to accept our frailties, and then really pray for strength and grace from God. 

     For me, accepting that we have done wrong is only a start. It does not give justice yet. We should be willing and ready to do acts of reparation too. We could not just say the word 'sorry' and leave the person still hurting. If we do that we could fool the world that we already have our conscience clean, but deep inside, we cannot be at peace. Sometimes, we could hate ourselves when we know that we have been causing pain to the other. But we cannot just find consolation from the feeling of being guilty forever. It is not helping you or the other party. It will only make you torture yourself and that could make the other person suffer too. Indeed, Pope Francis is right. Repentance, justice and peace go together. And I think too, that we can attain them possibly if we truly love, as God never tires of forgiving us because He completely loves us.  

taken at White Beach, Puerto Galera

A Reflection about 'A Thousand Stories in his Eyes'

    Reading this 2010 Hideaway article reminds me of a question asked to me before about analyzing the street children phenomenon. That was really tough to explain. I know I was not being asked to just look at the statistics or reports. I know and feel that to better understand their situation, I have to hear their stories too. And yes, their eyes have much stories to tell, and its not easy looking at them straight to the eyes...

     One of my first actual experiences as a young social worker is with street children. By theory and even in the practical sense, it is true that intervention with them (not just for them) should be sustainable and empowering. We can identify immediate causes or factors which have to do with the children and family; underlying causes or factors which have to do with the community; and the root causes or factors which have to do with the society as causes in the growth of street children. Immediate causes are poor and large families unemployed/underemployed parents, irresponsible parents, family values which are materialistic/consumerist, family conflict, family environment, vices of parents, degradation of morals, violent upbringing by parents and lack of knowledge and parenting skills.

     Widening our lens we can also see that meanwhile, the underlying causes are ineffective access to basic services, non-availability of adequate employment opportunities, inequitable distribution of resources and opportunity in the community like land ownership, nature and conditions of work/employment: formal and informal sectors, congestion in slum areas, inadequate housing/poor housing facilities, poor law enforcement/exploitation by law enforcers, only one style of delivery of education exists, deterioration of values and central body provides no/few activities for children. The root causes are the economic, political and ideological superstructure, the structural roots of poverty and underdevelopment and the unequal world order and the debt burden.

     We need more of this kind of exercise in looking at the issues we have in our society, and having the necessary communication skills and being equipped with the right medium will help us a lot. Minimizing the negative effects of globalization can come if all of us will take part in the advocacy of being more conscious creatures. One thing that had changed as a result of globalization is the quality of the communication that we have and the kind of relationship that we have developed. We want everything to be instant. It is sad reality that many had become less sensitive to the feelings of others and we care more of our own development.

    Communication should be used as a tool of empowering each other, of building the confidence and self-respect and dignity of one another, of promoting authentic relationships, brotherhood and sisterhood and true familial atmosphere. We should take time to talk to one another face to face and not just be contented with machines or gadgets. We should be connected to our soul, and give more time in listening to our innermost feelings, as well as the feelings of others. And of course, that includes giving time to interact with other people like with the children. We should listen to their stories. We should help them find the beauty in having wonderful and productive conversations. We should give them beautiful childhood memories and even until they grow. In my point of view, I know that every act of kindness and care we extend to these children will have a long way to go. We may not realize it but who knows our help to them is the same, or only example they have of hope and love? A fish that we have given them may inspire them to learn fishing. Why not try? It's worth the risk. In the same way, we should do the same to our own selves as well and to others. When many forces around us have been changing the world, making it appear smaller and faster, we should level up the kind of communication that we have too, making it more developmental, inspiring, transformative, peace-promoting and meaningful. We should go beyond what we hear, or what we can ask. We should learn how to discover stories from their eyes too...

When I Think of You

The dead star becomes the brightest
Fantasies turning tangible and endless
My soul smiles, there are flowers all around
When I think of you...

It’s another December
And I hadn’t forgotten you
Your joy is my joy
Your pain hurts me even more
Don’t you know I get to feel the other half of me
When I think of you?

Cause when I think of you, thinking becomes not a burden, never…
Yeah, when I think of you, I want to go on thinking forever and ever.

One Day

One day, I will not remember you anymore
One day, I will cease bugging you
One day, your thoughts and actions won’t interest me
One day, I would just forget what the word miss means
One day, I won’t wish again for another long conversation with you
One day, there shall be no crazy emotions
No tears, no pain but no smiles and laughter too
Oh that day would come in my life one day
In a day that shall be known to Earth as my death
On the day I would take my last breath...